From Goal-Setting to Happiness: A Prescription for Parents

We all want our kids to learn how to set goals, work hard, and revel in the final product. And, as parents, we know our kids. We know they can set higher goals, challenge themselves a little more. So we encourage appropriate goals, different techniques, incentives, and try positive reinforcement. As good parents, we set expectations. And if those expectations are not met, consequences arise. 

But the science of goal setting actually tells us something different: reaching for goals because of external motivators– like positive or negative reinforcement– may not be as powerful as achieving them because of an internal drive. And the types of goals we set matter. For long lasting rewards and an improved sense of well-being, I recommend the following: 

Encourage your child to set learning goals.

Research suggests that goals focusing on learning may be more beneficial than goals focusing on outcomes. This means that reading for twenty minutes each night may work better for some kids as compared to finishing the book by Sunday. Curating this mindset is  especially important when children are young. 

Use language that fosters autonomy. 

Studies suggest that people who pursue goals for pleasure or altruism have higher positive measures, such as life satisfaction, than those who pursue goals out of obligation or fear. Similarly, intrinsically motivated children are more likely to achieve their goals and perform better, whereas those who are motivated by a reward or an avoidance of punishment have poorer well-being.  

Fostering autonomy means asking your child to make decisions and trusting those decisions. Sometimes, this is difficult, especially when a teen appears to be misplacing their energy, but, eventually, you learn  to trust them. With younger kids, provide small opportunities for them to decide what they want to accomplish that day. Help them make a list and cross out items as they are completed, even if those items are Play with Legos, Do Watercolors, Eat Lunch. If you have a rebellious teen, give them opportunities to make decisions and set goals in a space that is low-stress for everyone, like picking the activities on a family vacation or deciding the timeline on their closet cleanout. In the end, children want to set and achieve goals that they find interesting and meaningful, and your prompts and curiosity will guide them in the right direction. 

Children are often externally motivated to reach goals from the threat of punishment to the shame of a parent’s disappointment. They have to clean their rooms before they can play or get good grades to get the Nintendo Switch. Unfortunately, this hinders their development of internal motivation. I’m not saying your kid shouldn’t clean their room, but I am saying that we should give them some autonomy that may foster an internal desire to clean their rooms (I know, you’re thinking of Vince Vaughn in The Breakup… Why would I want to do the dishes?). Instead of saying You need to clean your room every Wednesday or Well, if you don’t get the grades I expect, then…, make some time to have a family meeting. Let everyone brainstorm what needs to be done at home and what needs to be done individually, and let your child decide how and when they will reach these goals. And when they have cleaned their room or achieved the report card they wanted, praise them. Oh your room is so inviting! You must have really thought about your organization strategy.  Or You worked so many extra hours this semester. It must feel good to see that reflected in your grade. 

Role-model goal setting.

Your child needs to see you setting goals for yourself, but it doesn’t stop there. Your child needs to see all the baby steps it takes to reach the goal. Maybe you decide you are going to propose a new workflow for the division by the next staff meeting. Give your child updates: This week at work, I went through the current step-by-step plan and found all the areas where we can make improvements. And it can be much more mundane: Today, I want to make minestrone and home-made bread. I will start by prepping the dough, then cutting the vegetables… 

Just as important as observing your progress is observing how you handle distress.

Reaching a goal is not always an upward trajectory; watching you work at goals teaches your child how to manage setbacks: Man, I was supposed to work out today but my meetings ran over. Oh well, it happens. I’ll take this as a learning opportunity: next time, I will build more time into my schedule.  

Prescriptions for the New Academic Year

Keeping the above information in mind, I recommend the following actions to start this Fall: 

• Prescription 1: For the upcoming school year, have your child choose — on their own — 2-6 age-appropriate goals for home/family, school, and personal life. If they ask you for ideas, tell them some goals your younger version may have (or should have!) set in a similar situation. It is optimal to have specific and achievable goals, but I also recommend one or two longshots in there. For example, a specific goal would be Get a B+ or better in English and Social Studies, and a longshot goal may be Get Straight As or Win the Science Fair. As mentioned above, process goals may be healthier and more motivating than outcome goals, as they may seem more achievable. Certainly for younger kids, I recommend process goals (read for 20 minutes a day vs. finish a book a week), but as kids get older, they may want to set some outcome-specific goals. Ideally, they come up with these goals themselves because you raise them with language that fosters autonomy. 
  
  Under each goal, list the steps it will take to reach the goals. This is especially important for the longshot goals — while the final goal may not be reached, there will still come a sense of accomplishment with completing the intermediary steps. Ideally, all family members can sit down and do this together. Make it fun with markers, card stock, stickers, or even vision boarding. 
  
• Prescription 2: Share your list of personal, professional, and home/family goals with your child. Whatever the age of your child, they will be interested in your growth. Make it a point to check in routinely, perhaps weekly for some goals, like adding flossing to the oral hygiene routine, or monthly for the goal of getting the promotion coming up in six months. Use this time to check in on your child’s progress on their goals. Help them troubleshoot if they are stuck or feeling discouraged. Ask how you can help. 
  
• Prescription 3: Start the new school year off with a daily goal. Share with yourself and your child your goal for each day. Maybe over breakfast or on your way to school, share a minor goal. I am going to finish the article I started writing last week or I am going to make it to yoga today or I am not going to be late to your soccer game like last time. Ask your kids to share a goal also. At the end of the day, share with one another whether you were able to accomplish your goals. Not every goal is met, and handling those setbacks with kindness to oneself and one another is a skill children build by watching you. 

The Breakdown

Teaching your children to set goals is important not only so they learn how to reach goals, but to improve their sense of self and well-being. Encouraging autonomy helps children set sustainable goals they are intrinsically motivated to achieve, rather than goals set for them that are worked toward only for an external reward or to avoid punishment. This school year, set aside a time when all family members can set goals and outline the steps anticipated to meet those goals. Share goals with one another and the progress and setbacks along the way. Set smaller, daily goals to further role-model goal setting and fostering autonomy in your children. Simply getting to pick their own goal for the day is a big win for a little kid. 

You may also enjoy The Fresh Air Prescription or Why You May Need To Start Fake Laughing. 

Thank you for reading my human-generated articles! If you found this helpful or educational, please share, follow on your preferred platform, or subscribe below. For concierge parent coaching or consultations, please contact me at www.DrAngel.com. 

For more perspective on what it takes to have and raise a thriving little human, check out my podcast, The Unplanned Parent, on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you listen or watch. 

References: 

Ehrlich, Christian. “Evaluation of the Happiness Through Goal-Setting Training.” Psychological reports vol. 126,4 (2023): 1910-1932. doi:10.1177/00332941211071007

Howard, Joshua L et al. “Student Motivation and Associated Outcomes: A Meta-Analysis From Self-Determination Theory.” Perspectives on psychological science : a journal of the Association for Psychological Science vol. 16,6 (2021): 1300-1323. doi:10.1177/1745691620966789