Encouraging Rebellion and Other Strategies for Instilling Independence

Yesterday, my kids and their friend planned a nature-exploration on a leafy hillside behind my home. When they returned from their adventure, I learned that they never even made it off the concrete sidewalk. Our neighbor thwarted their adventure, warning them, “for [their] own safety,” not to play there, among bushes, trees, and critters. 

I had to laugh. I mean, yes, there are rattlesnakes and coyotes all over southern California, but does that mean that kids shouldn’t play in nature? Of course, this brought to mind all the data on overprotection and how this actually hinders the development of independence, problem-solving, and resilience. In fact, a review article on the subject found that overprotection, both physically and emotionally, results in more negative outcomes, like anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems. 

Actively encouraging your children to experience an adventure without an adult or a challenge outside their comfort zone helps lay neural foundations for confidence, emotional regulation, and independence. To help foster independence at a young age, here are some safe and healthy recommendations: 

Let them speak for themselves.

As soon as children start talking, encourage them to speak for themselves. At a restaurant, help them practice reciting their order before the server comes, so they can confidently say, May I please have scrambled eggs? Some kids are naturally shy or may quietly mumble. Seasoned servers will give your child eye contact whereas others may look at you to clarify your child’s words. Watch for your child’s reaction — if they  look like they want to try again, give them another shot. And leave the server a nice tip so they will be patient with the next child. 

At coffee shops or grocery stores, school-aged children can start ordering and paying at check out lines on their own. Giving your older kids and tweens opportunities to handle appropriate amounts of money builds responsibility and further encourages independence. It also reinforces their self-belief that they can manage bigger tasks on their own while also building their math skills. 

As kids get older and share their concerns with you, support them by brainstorming ideas they can accomplish themselves. Of course, sometimes parents need to intervene, but if a child learns to take the initiative to email their teacher about the missed assignment, or use their words to work out  a misunderstanding with a friend, or talk to the coach about concerns with the team, they will feel more satisfied when they reach a solution. Not only will this boost confidence, it will teach your children that the most effective tool they have to be heard is their own voice. 

Let them take risks.

Outdoor play is crucial for young kids developing social skills and independence, yet only half of preschools meet the recommended 60-90 minutes of physical activity per day. Interacting with other children helps them learn skills like sharing, listening to others, speaking up for themselves, and waiting their turn. Just as important, kids learn to take risks — and they enjoy them. Whether going down the slide faster, jumping off the side of the play structure, or trying to climb the tree, children are taking risks without even knowing it. And when kids are nervous about the slide, parents can give them a nudge, perhaps going together before they build the confidence to go alone. 

Once a child is older, the same concepts apply. As parents, we worry about scary risks, like drinking and driving or experimenting with drugs. But I am talking about healthy risk taking, which, somewhere along the way, got misplaced in the fear category. Healthy risks include auditioning for a musical, trying out for a new sport, asking a new classmate to hang out, or perhaps asking someone to the school dance. 

Encourage a little rebellion.

Everyone wants a little agency, so why not accept this? I tell my own children to engage in micro-rebellions, including rebellions of thought. When life makes you want to strike back, go for it with a micro-rebellion, a minor breaking of the rules, but one that does not harm you or others, like playing video games for fifteen minutes more, breaking the social status-quo with some crazy makeup or getting extra ear piercings or an adventurous outfit, or, once in a while, even playing a little hookey. When my kids miss school for a doctor’s appointment, sometimes we decide to grab a snack or lunch, before returning to class, and we relish this little micro-rebellion, delighting and even lingering over our treats and our inner misfits. Similarly, encourage free thinking. Perhaps your child is passionate about environmental justice and wants to express this through an email to the principal about the lack of recycling at school. Or your child may recommend a change in the family routine, like an occasional Breakfast for Dinner. 

While this may sound silly, it actually helps with emotional regulation and building healthy autonomy. Kids learn that though they live within a system, whether school, college, the workplace, or society in general, they have wiggle room for creativity, self-expression, and (dare I say?) dissent. 

The Breakdown

All parents want to keep their children safe, and apparently, my neighbor wants to protect my kids, too. But in our efforts to safeguard children, we inadvertently limit their developmental opportunities to build skills essential for emotional regulation, boosting confidence, and healthy independence. Encouraging your children to speak for themselves, have adventures, and even engage in a little mischief is essential to raising well-adjusted, capable, free thinking, and independent young adults. 

You may also enjoy How Do You Encourage Your Girls to Stand Up For Themselves?

Or How to Elevate Your Baby and Toddler’s Home Learning Environment. 

Thank you for reading my human-generated articles! If you found this helpful or educational, please share, follow on your preferred platform, or subscribe below. For concierge parent coaching or consultations, please contact me at www.DrAngel.com. 

For more perspective on what it takes to have and raise a thriving little human, check out my podcast, The Unplanned Parent, on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you listen or watch. 

References: 

de Roo M, Veenstra R, Kretschmer T. Internalizing and externalizing correlates of parental overprotection as measured by the EMBU: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Soc Dev. 2022;31(4):962-983. doi:10.1111/sode.12590

Hinkley T, Brown H, Carson V, Teychenne M. Cross sectional associations of screen time and outdoor play with social skills in preschool children. PLoS One. 2018;13(4):e0193700. Published 2018 Apr 4. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0193700

Boyle MH, Olsho LEW, Mendelson MR, et al. Physical Activity Opportunities in US Early Child Care Programs. Pediatrics. 2022;149(6):e2020048850. doi:10.1542/peds.2020-048850

Bülow A, Neubauer AB, Soenens B, Boele S, Denissen JJA, Keijsers L. Universal ingredients to parenting teens: parental warmth and autonomy support promote adolescent well-being in most families. Sci Rep. 2022;12(1):16836. Published 2022 Oct 7. doi:10.1038/s41598-022-21071-0