My Least Favorite Argument
I hate arguing with my kids, but my least favorite argument revolves around iPads and video games. As a pediatrician, I followed all the rules. My kids didn’t watch any screens prior to age 2. After that, we only watched movies together, maybe once a week. They were never allowed on YouTube or any sites that facilitated scrolling. But as they got older, they wanted to play the games their friends were playing. On the weekends, rather than watch a family movie together, they each had a device and played video games with friends online. My husband and I kind of enjoyed this. It was our time to get in a workout or watch an adult movie, the two of us.
Before we knew it, we were planning our weekends around iPad time. If we had outings or plans, I could palpate the pain, the loss, the kids would feel. When would they get their precious fix in? I was frustrated while my husband was more lenient– he grew up gaming and he turned out ok, right? But it hurt me that my kids, especially my son, seemed to look forward to nothing more than their iPad time. My son would rather skip going out to Saturday morning breakfast or a family hike or anything that might delay or cut into iPad time. And, as sweet as they are, my kids cheated with their devices and played video games when we naively thought they were doing homework. Somehow, someone would “forget” that devices are only to be used in public spaces. Or in our dining room, aka homework table, the seating arrangement conveniently hid screens from my view.
Then it became obvious with missed assignments and slipping grades. There sure was a lot of “studying” going on for grades to be falling. I heard all kinds of excuses. There were lots of meltdowns. Mom, I’m just not that good at math! Somehow, I was at fault. I certainly was constantly nagging and complaining about how much homework was assigned– until I realized I was being gaslighted. All that “homework” was secret gaming on the school computer, and this was already after we confiscated the iPad for covert gaming. I was duped again.
Time for Action
A conversation with friends in similar situations made me realize we needed a digital detox. I want my kids to remember what it feels like to look forward to things other than video games. Not all of my kids are the same and some are more attached, but they all have a hard time coming off devices. And let’s be honest, adults are no different. I am not active on social media and no longer have news apps, but even I find myself reading the articles sent through my email or chatting in multiple text and WhatsApp threads, wondering if anyone responded.
The Dopamine Ding
My kids know exactly how it works. They know their brains light up– they get their dopamine ding– from their devices. As I learned from Dr. Anna Lembke in Dopamine Nation, we have to find the balance here because, unlike an addiction to alcohol or cocaine, you cannot ditch your phone or computer forever. A digital addiction is a more nuanced shade of gray. Phones, computers, iPads– they are embedded into our daily lives. To find that healthier gray area, I like to set rules. Rules reduce the amount of work our brains need to do. If I have a no fried potato rule, I never have to think about whether or not to order the fries. Similarly, my high schooler has a no social media rule. When anyone asks, she can refer to her rule.
Digital Detox
We all fall into routines and often these routines connect us more to our devices. Work requires you to check your email, your workout requires you to log your activity, your colleague just sent a question on a chat, your watch is connected to your computer and to your phone. I think this deserves a check– a digital detox should be employed at least once a year.. After an indulgent holiday season, many adults renew their health vows and render themselves dry for January. So after an indulgent school year filled with gamified learning, teacher-assigned youtube videos, games they made for school projects and their can’t-miss weekend iPad time, my family needed a digital detox. It was a check ourselves moment.
What Our Digital Detox Looks Like
Summer started June 12th for us. The only iPad time my kids will have this summer will be on plane flights. We are not traveling internationally, but I am sure they will relish their domestic, non-wifi connected hours. The remainder of the summer, they will read books, play, volunteer, meet up with friends, help with meals, and maybe take some adventures. We will still watch movies or shows but only as family affairs. No solo screens.
For my husband and me, the detox means setting certain times when we can check our phones. The kids will not hesitate to call us on it. For my computer, I will designate deep work time and otherwise keep it closed. My husband will work during business hours but leisure time will be iPad-less.
A few weeks into our detox, I can only tell you a few things:
- So far, every one feels a lot of pride in their abilities to stay away from screens.
- We have played more board games than usual.
- We all have a stack of summer reading we are excited about.
- I am pretty sure the kids are planning out their post-detox adventures: Which games will they play? Will that game have new rare gemstones? Will that other game be on its next release? But they are also talking about all the other adventures we are going to have.
- We will definitely be doing this again.
- They have not asked me once since school got out: “Can we play on our iPads?” And that is glorious.
For Your Own Family’s Digital Detox
If you are interested in a digital detox for your family, I would do the following:
- Talk it over. While you are the Chief Family Officer, it is nice to have everyone’s buy in. Make sure your partner is on board.
- Design a workable detox with agreed upon ground rules. For ours, gaming was allowed on plane flights.
- Talk about the benefits of a digital detox: enjoying other activities, helping your brain reset what it looks forward to, allowing your brain to develop in different ways.
- Teach kids about dopamine and how your brain lights up when it looks forward to things like sugar and a screen. DIscuss with them that this is how addiction works.
- Offer some flexibility on the timeline. I offered my kids a Start Now or Start Later option. They chose the Start Later option. No surprise.
- Plan for at least 30 days. If you can do 90 days, that is amazing.
- 30 days too long? Try creating digital free spaces like family vacations or wifi-free weekends.
- Plan your post-detox reemergence. What will that look like? One vs. three social media outlets? No more news apps? No more NextDoor? Time limits on TikTok? Whatever it is, make your rule and stick to it.
- Good luck! Please share any insights or personal experiences with me at angel@drangel.com
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References:
Lembke, Anna. Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence. Dutton, 2021
