The First Installation
“One day, if neither of us gets married, we should have a test tube baby together.”
When my brother first told me he was going to co-parent a child with his always platonic friend of many years, my first response was a vehement no. Just no. I thought my 44-year old wanderlust brother was being naive, incapable of understanding the life change that comes with becoming a parent. I also was selfish, unready to share my brother, the doting, always-ready-to-baby-sit fun uncle to my three kids, with a child that was not mine, even if it was his.
Ashley froze her eggs when she was 34. Now, approaching 44, she was ready to become a mother. And that conversation about having a test tube baby went from a recurrent joke to reality.
Over the course of this last year, my brother, Raman, and Ashley consulted with several lawyers and asked questions of family, friends, and themselves. I learned more about Ashley, and I warmed to the idea of a new baby in the family. Raman and Ashley started preparing for parenthood, mentally and physically. While my brother is known to many as a quintessential funcle, I know he will be a loving, overprotective (believe me, when we get to what he outlined in his legal agreements, you will agree) parent and perfect co-parent (well, as perfect as any of us are). As for Ashley, well, I don’t want to make it awkward but I can’t wait for her to be Ashley Auntie (fingers crossed!).
With the permission of Raman and Ashley, I will take you along their journey and share what we all learn along the way. With that, here is the first installment.
First Insight: Saying No To Others Is Saying Yes To You
Ashley started her journey to pregnancy differently from many but also similarly to many. Ready for a baby, Ashley wanted to house her baby in the healthiest environment possible. That meant optimizing her own health. Her lifestyle modifications included those we know work: take your prenatal vitamins, get enough sleep, exercise, try to maintain a healthy weight, and eat natural foods.
When Ashley told me about the very intentional changes she made during the lead up to her implantation, one change stood out to me: “I said ‘no’ to a lot of things and people in the month leading up to and after my [frozen embryo transfer].”
I don’t know about you, but saying no is difficult, not just in a work environment, but even in social situations. Agreeable personality types, like mine, are often people-pleasing, eager to help others and, in turn, feel uplifted by positive affirmations. For those of us who got our positions or run our divisions because of our driven, get-it-done styles, saying no is far from easy. We say yes, and we get it done. This, of course, results in more stress and more work. Who will the head of marketing go to when they need a favor from legal? You, because you did such a great job last time. Who will be asked to do that last minute presentation? You, because you will say yes and you will crush it, even if it means sacrificing your sleep, exercise routines, or time with loved ones.
When working on becoming pregnant, saying no is even trickier, because most people are quiet and even secretive about early pregnancy. The people saying no are open about their reasons: ailing parents, a break up, busy with kids, or they are already pregnant.
Whether or not you are trying to conceive, improving your happiness and reducing your stress requires you to say yes to yourself, and that means saying no to others. Backed by both common sense and science, it is impossible to make time for yourself if you give it all to others. Here are some tips on advocating for your time and yourself:
- Say no right away. Waiting to respond, whether to an invitation or a work request, only prolongs your mental gymnastics: maybe I can do it. Maybe someone else will do it. Maybe I should do it because it will be fun. If I don’t do it, I will miss out. The thoughts are endless until you make your decision, so make it sooner rather than later.
- Block time on your schedule. Sometimes, I have “me-tings” on my calendar. This is time for, you guessed it, me.
- Schedule anything that brings you joy and you want to prioritize. It could be lunch with a friend, an outing with your child, a date night, or a bath. Put it on your calendar and on your running todo list.
- Block your exercise time on your schedule. Do not let work, social, or scrolling encroach on your exercise time.
- Tell people the truth: “My plate is full right now.” Like Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind.” And if your schedule is indeed full of things you want to do, you are telling the truth. But even if you want to sleep instead of go to the concert, you are allowed to say no to the concert and enjoy a good night’s sleep.
- Do not feel guilty for saying no. Turn it around. I said no to that social event but that is saying yes to me (or my kids or my husband or my other friend). I said no to that volunteer activity but I said yes to my workout. I said no to that presentation but I said yes to some sleep.
When I asked Ashley how she found the strength to say no, she replied, “It’s all about setting boundaries for yourself. Not being afraid to say that you don’t want to do something. Or if you don’t want to be that blunt, just saying you have something else going on and you can’t make it. For me personally, this all related to social situations.”
Like many people hoping to become pregnant, Ashley kept private. “I wouldn’t tell people… I was trying to conceive. I simply wanted to be in social situations that I really wanted to be [in] and if [a situation] didn’t bring me happiness and calmness, it wasn’t for me. If there was a certain person that I didn’t want to be around, I wouldn’t put myself in that situation. My boundaries were (and maybe are) more strict than usual.”
Final Thoughts:
- Fill up your time with activities you actually want to do, things that bring joy. Then your schedule is truly full and there is no guilt involved with saying no.
- Be forthright. Your time is yours.
- You don’t have to be experiencing a stressful time or a life change to say no. Being assertive may take some practice, but I promise you are worth it.
Coming Soon: From Funcle To Father: The Second Installation. Next week, I will continue with more updates on my brother and Ashley’s journey, from their legal agreements to sperm donations to fertility clinic visits.
Thank you for reading and sharing my human-generated articles! For health and parent coaching, please contact me at www.DrAngel.com.
References:
Pluut, Helen, and Jaap Wonders. “Not Able to Lead a Healthy Life When You Need It the Most: Dual Role of Lifestyle Behaviors in the Association of Blurred Work-Life Boundaries With Well-Being.” Frontiers in psychology vol. 11 607294. 23 Dec. 2020, doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.607294
Chernata, Taras. “Personal Boundaries: Definition, Role, and Impact on Mental Health.” Personality and Environmental Issues, vol. 3, no. 1, 2024, pp. 24-30, https://doi.org/10.31652/2786-6033-2024-3(1)-24-30.
