Traditions: You Need Them But You Don’t Need Them All

A mom at my kids’ school bemoaned the holidays, complaining about having to bring out the Elf on the Shelf again. I told her that I missed that boat when my kids were younger, and now I am so grateful. I do not need one more thing on my todo list every night for a month. 

On the other hand, traditions that come around once in a while or routines that happen daily are the substrate of a group or family unit. In a review article, the authors note that rituals and traditions positively affect the well-being of parents and children. Traditions give people a sense of belonging. We all want that for ourselves, partners, friends, family members, and, of course, our children. 

The traditions, their memories, and the excitement leading up to them all take time and effort. This is why I set some important ground rules:

Dr. Angel’s Ground Rules for Traditions

1. Everyone has to be involved. For younger families, this is not a problem. Your kids are clamoring to help you and to play with you. For families with older kids, you must make it clear that opting out is not an option. If that means scheduling it on a family calendar or having reminders during the lead up, so be it. Don’t be demoralized by a lack of enthusiasm– even when they may seem disinterested, kids are often secretly awaiting these activities and the sense of identity they impart. 
2. No one person carries the burden. And this is exactly why Elf on the Shelf never made it to my house. 
3. If no one is looking forward to it, maybe revisit this tradition. Is it guilt that is driving you? Are there other things going on this year? Maybe the tradition can be re-introduced during a less stressful time? Is there a toned-down version of the tradition? Or maybe it is ok if this particular activity is no longer a family tradition? Maybe your family has outgrown it? Maybe it needs to be morphed to meet your current needs? 
4. Start them early. You do not need children to start traditions. Start them with friends, partners, siblings, cousins, colleagues, or parents.   

If You Are Looking for Some Ideas, Here are Some of Our Traditions

1. Going on a Family Walk or Hike Between Stocking Stuffers and Opening the Real Presents. Two days ago, my oldest said she can’t wait to walk down to the coffee shop on Christmas Day. She already has her special drink picked out. This is the power of traditions: you look forward to it, you experience it, you recall it (hopefully with fondness), and then the cycle repeats itself. 
2. Halloween Smash Cookies. About 2 weeks after Halloween, we mark the end of candy season by making cookies out of all the good stuff. By good stuff, I mean anything that would be good in a cookie: chocolate bars, M&Ms, Heath, Butterfinger, you name it. The Snickers and Twix can get tricky to mix in the batter, but if you have them in the fridge first, that helps. Now just smash up all the candy and mix it into your cookie dough in lieu of chocolate chips. We use the Nestle Tollhouse recipe in our home. The dough can also sit in the freezer for a few months, so you can re-live the experience with less mess. 
3. Tea Parties. On the East Coast, we used to get snow days. After sledding down our hill, we put on our British accents and had tea parties with little ceramic toy tea sets and cinnamon toast. Though certifiably silly now that my kids are my size and we can each drink about one sip of tea from those tiny cups, we still look forward to a rainy day tea party. We play French Cafe music, speak our signature nonsensical tea party lingo, and feel warm inside. 
4. Dyeing Our Hair During Thanksgiving Break. Sometimes, I don’t know things are traditions until my kids inform me. For 5 years now, my kids and my husband dye their hair pink or red (with temporary, non-toxic dye!) every November. They look forward to choosing their exact shade and then sit together in the backyard while my husband paints everyone’s hair. If my hair was light enough to hold the color, I would participate. As it stands, I photograph. 

Traditions Do Not Have to Be Hard. Simple traditions, like taking turns giving thanks during Thanksgiving dinner or sharing resolutions on New Year’s Eve all count. Often, traditions begin without intention. Friends come over and everyone plays Empire. Next thing you know, everytime that group convenes, Empire must be played. 

For more information or guidance on incorporating traditions in your life, please reach out to me personally. 

Thank you for reading my human-generated and human-researched articles! If you found this helpful or educational, please share, follow on your preferred platform or subscribe below. For coaching or consultations, please contact me at www.DrAngel.com. 

References:

Fiese, Barbara H et al. “A review of 50 years of research on naturally occurring family routines and rituals: cause for celebration?.” Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43) vol. 16,4 (2002): 381-90. doi:10.1037//0893-3200.16.4.381 

A Review of 50 Years of Research on Naturally Occurring Family Routines and Rituals: Cause for Celebration?