Pediatricians have a lot to learn in medical school and residency, and often, the more pressing topics seem to be the ones related to saving lives– like how to code a teen in heart failure or how to resuscitate a premature baby or how to order blood products for the child that is hemorrhaging. This natural focus on acute problems leaves pediatricians-in-training with less time spent on understanding typical growth and development. Needless to say, an immense amount of on-the-job learning takes place, especially around mental health.
Just two weeks ago, the American Academy of Pediatrics released a clinical report, providing time-pressured pediatricians a framework for mental health assessment. Below, I share some insights for time-pressured parents and pediatricians alike:
Characteristics like grit and resilience are not entirely innate and can be cultivated. The words you use and the manner in which you deal with accomplishments and adversity encourage the development of grit and resilience. Saying You’re so smart– you did it! versus You worked a long time and solved a bunch of problems to finish that sends two very different messages.
Grit and growth mindset. To foster grit and growth mindsets, practice healthier praising, starting when children are young. Rather than focusing on accomplishments, focus on the process. You really worked hard on those Legos rather than You built the best ship! For older kids, that may look like, That was a lot of focus and time you spent on that project instead of You got an A!
Praising the process instead of the outcome teaches children that their effort, ability to stick out a project, and skill at solving problems along the way all matter. Praising their accomplishments (or grades) puts the focus on the outcome, bypassing the chance to foster grit and growth mindset, the idea that they can accomplish more with continued effort. When things seem tedious, it might be time to validate that feeling and share an experience: Gosh, you’ve really been working on your free throws for a long time. I know that can feel like an uphill battle. I remember I had to work on a piano piece for months before my teacher let me perform with the orchestra. It felt good when I finally got there. I know you will, too. Let me know if I can do anything to help.
Resilience. When things don’t turn out the way your child wanted, this is an opportunity to share your own stories of setbacks: I remember when I wanted to stay at the playground. It was really hard for me to leave. It got easier. For older kids, Oh gosh, I can remember like yesterday when I didn’t get invited to the most popular kid’s party. It sucked. Kids find strength and courage in knowing that their parents– who they admire and respect even if they don’t show it– can get back up again after their own falls. If you get passed up for the promotion or felt overlooked at a big meeting, share that with your children. Listening to you navigate your troubles helps them learn problem solving skills.
Similarly, look for silver linings, even during tough times. Sharing silver linings models for young people how to channel heavy emotions during times of hardship. It’s hard to think I will never see Grandma again, but I am so grateful we took that last trip together. And I smile every time I hear one of her favorite songs.
Validate emotions. Like you, kids are allowed to feel how they want to feel, even if you do not share their perspective. You may think that not stopping for ice cream or not making the cheer squad or not getting asked out by that guy is a dodged bullet, but your kid may need to sit in that remorse or embarrassment for a time. Your job is not to challenge their emotions but to validate them. Similar to when you feel seen and heard and are able to move on more quickly, your child may be able to climb out of self-pity and perhaps even be less reactive when they feel supported. I see you are pretty upset right now. Let me know if I can help.
Takeaways
Sharing stories of your own setbacks, modeling problem-solving skills, mentioning positive perspectives even during difficult times, and validating emotions helps support healthy emotional development in children and teens.
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For more perspective on what it takes to have and raise a thriving little human, check out my show, The Unplanned Parent, on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
References:
Berger-Jenkins, Evelyn et al. “Framework for Approaching Healthy Mental and Emotional Development in Pediatrics: Clinical Report.” Pediatrics vol. 157,5 (2026): e2026076620. doi:10.1542/peds.2026-076620
